Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Spiritual Healing

The Prayer of Saint Francis 

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

I'm not a big fan of organized religion. If you take a look at the state of the world, many of the conflicts of today and years past are born of religion. I don't agree with most religious zealots. I could write pages on my views of this confusing topic, but I'll save it for some other day.....

I am, however, a fan of spirituality and care for the spirit. I am a fan of compassion and kindness towards other human beings. A fan of justice and equality.

When I woke up the first morning at my mom's house, the sun was streaming in through the beveled glass on her front door and it created a rainbow on her bible that was placed on the table. Every Christmas she opens her bible to Luke and the story of Jesus' birth, and on this morning, there on the pages of the Christmas story was a rainbow. Do you believe in signs?

These are some of the pills my mom takes with her morning coffee. While I'm practicing spiritual healing, she is downing every pill the stupid doctors will dole out to her. This is her healing, when in fact every one of these pills causes yet another side effect she has to go get treated. And with what do they treat these symptoms? Why of course, another pill! She ended up in the hospital this past week because one of the pills she was taking had lowered her potassium and caused irregular heartbeats, and they sent her home with a bag full of new pills to adjust the potassium and thin her blood.  God Almighty!!!!! When is the medical industry going to stop killing all of us?

The United States consumes more prescription drugs than any other country in the world and we are one of the sickest nations, we also have the wealthiest medical and pharmaceutical industries in the world. Here, let us make you sick with our pills then try to get you well with more pills. I'm sick to death of these pharma giants and their greed at the expense of human life.

This girl is responsible for me coming home with my sanity. She was like a guardian angel, watching for signs of a meltdown, being there to help me get through the crazy that is my mom. The manipulations came, the baiting, the pity parties, the tears (not mine). Wesley watched me and jumped in when she felt it was necessary. We went to the beach. The ocean heals me, it always has. The weather was warm, the water sparkled, the beach was quiet, the seagulls called to us. Peace......

Wesley with her dad's old film camera. What a beautiful sight to see. I remember Gerry holding this camera. Developing his film in the darkroom. Making great photos for the newspaper with this camera.

We went for walks on the beach, walked in the pine forest behind my mom's house. We sat by the pool and read. We did not go to the hospital. We helped my step father. He is an amazing man, so kind and compassionate, and he understands what I go through. I was there as much for him as anything. We waited for him to bring her home. Then it all began. My payback for not going there for Christmas.......... I know now how to protect my spirit, so I'm ok. I found myself breathing deeply this afternoon and I thought of all of you that have left posts, saying, just breathe. So right, breathing deeply is healing.

Also, here is a funny thing we did every day for a laugh when we needed one. I heard this guy on The People's Pharmacy the other day say that you should do at least one full push up each day, get up and say out loud, "I'm Awesome". I was telling Wes about this and so we decided to give it a go. I barely could do one, but the next day, tried again, did two. This morning Wesley did 10! Each time we did it, and then said, "I'm awesome",  we collapsed in giggles. Try it, it really does make you feel good :) but do it with someone, its more fun!

There was a day when I would have come here to my blog and ranted for pages about what happened this week. I would be sick right now, stressed, crying, angry. I don't need to purge that anymore, because I deflected everything that came at me. I only want happy right now. I'm in a good place and don't feel like a rant about anything these days. I don't allow the manipulation. I protect myself from it now.  I didn't always do that. I didn't know how. I didn't know I was allowed to. I know now.

Someone that has all that my mom has should be happy. She's not. I feel sorry for her. Her beautiful home a block from the ocean, her wonderful husband, her clothes, her jewelry, her grandchild, her belongings...... still unhappy and needy for attention.  Damn y'all, what do you reckon it takes to make someone like that happy, I wonder?

So, peace.....
happy thoughts


Lori Buff said...

The timing of this post is ironic because my mom just had heart surgery that she might not have needed if she had taken her blood pressure meds. We need balance. Thankfully she goes to an independent, local pharmacy where they help her make informed choices on what medication she buys rather than just filling every expensive prescription Her doctor rights.
Happiness comes from within, your mom will only find it there when she's ready.
Peace to you.

Tracey Broome said...

Hi Lori, this parent health thing..... ugh. I think blood pressure medicine is the only pill my grandmother ever took and she lived to be 90. There are just too many unnecessary pills being given out without informed decisions. I hope your mom will be ok. Sadly, mine will never be happy, too bad.....

littlemancat said...

Thanks for the St.Francis poem in full - wow, it's all there, isn't it?
How wonderful to see your child's hands holding, using her father's camera. She is a lovely one, your Wesley - glad she was with you.
The pill thing - oh it's such a landmine! Been there with my mom, aunt too. Bad business if not used intelligently. With discretion. Or at all.
Want to give you a quote I like from Ram Doss - and this may be a paraphrase - "Ultimately we're all just walking each other home."
And so we are.
Sorry to be so long-winded!

oldgreymareprimitives said...

I just sent you an email asking- here is my answer. Glad Wes was with you. We are lucky you and I with our strong girls.

Not giving your mom an excuse but do remember that a lot of her bad behavior stems from the cocktails of drugs she takes. My Mom was on steroids over 40 years. No wonder she went "off the road". But some of your Mom's behavior has always been there and as I age I realize the folks who behave like that have a narcissistic personality disorder and from what I read, no therapy, intervention or degree of care and love will alter it. They are incapable of change and have no sense of self reflection or knowing themselves..and they are to be pitied because they have never understood love, compassion or realized any real peace. Inside they are miserable with fake fronts shown to the outside world.

But lack of a Mom's love still stings no matter our age....Loving my kids has healed me.

Tracey Broome said...

Hi Mary, we are walking each other aren't we? Love the quote, thanks for your post!
Suzan, I will email you all the details :) I think you are right, the meds do seem to be affecting her mind, damn the drug companies anyway!

Michèle Hastings said...

Whatever happened to eating cantaloupe and bananas to increase your potassium?
Having "everything" is never going to make some people happy. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by keeping a safe distance from your Mom but not separating completely. I think your step father needs you.

Tracey Broome said...

Its fight or flight, Michele. My mom wouldn't know a vegetable if it jumped up and bit her on the nose! She likes ice cream, bread and cake. That's about it for her diet..... oh and cappuccino, the powered sugary kind with all that nutrition in it :)

Vicki said...

I can relate to so much here, Tracey. So much...
I well remember my mother's bedside cupboard drawer rattling with pill bottles when it was opened - regularly. Meds which eventually killed her - along with the alcohol :(
Many bottles had different doctor names on them. Was there no database alerting doctors/hospitals of patients' meds double ups? Is there any today? I don't know, because I personally steer clear of the buggers as much as I can - preferring to work with herbs.

Yes, dear Tracey, I believe in signs. Spiritual verses which speak to the soul within - not empty words preached by rote from pulpits on high.
Take heart in words that come to you... especially those touched by rainbows :)

Your beautiful girl, Wesley - that sweet "old soul" by your side, is a blessing. Such an awesome human being. She was meant to be your daughter.

Some people go through their (I believe, many) lives learning lessons until they reach true peace/contentment. Perhaps those we see that seem so "together" and at peace with their lot in life are nearing their pursuit of peace and will no longer have lessons to learn. Others, like my mother, seem to be miserable with their lives and choose to dwell in a dark abyss, feeling sorry for themselves and cause destruction to themselves and their loved ones - and die sad, bitter, lonely and angry with the world. She, I feel, will have to return again to hopefully find her own nirvana.
Having witnessed her descent - and refusal for recuperation - I realised that there are some who refuse to rise above their self destruction.

You ARE awesome, Tracey! Believe it :)

Shannon said...

hi Tracey,
just cruisin like always, catching up. I feel like today is the first day that feels like normal and all my to-do's from before christmas are filtering up from the dust of holiday-NESS. I'm sorry you are still going through the passage of parenting parents but so glad Wes continues to be a bright spot and Buddha in the midst. Take care.

Dennis Allen said...

So glad you survived. Sounds like you dealt with everything as well as possible.