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Monday, March 9, 2015

Losing, loss, lost.....


Sometimes melancholia sweeps in at the most unexpected moments. Just two days ago, I wrote in my journal about how happy I was and that I could even see that light reflected when I looked in the mirror. And just like that, poof, sadness comes a calling. Don't get me wrong, I am still pretty happy. Just got sad news today and it reminded me of so much loss.....

My mom called to tell me that one of my favorite aunts, "Tootsie" as family called her (Margaret for everyone else) had breast cancer and it was in her lymph nodes. Having lost my dad to cancer after the progression to the lymph nodes, I know what's ahead. Its not good. She will be the last of my dads family to go. His little sister. I look just like her, more and more as I get older. She laughed at everything. I never saw her sad or upset, only laughing all the time. And coughing after her laughing, while chain smoking and drinking pot after pot of coffee. Her and my dad, just alike. I couldn't go see her for the longest time after he died. They looked like twins, it was too painful to look at her. I wish I had visited more often and had her tell me about my dad when he was a little boy. Too late now, she has dementia and is angry and curses at everyone.

Gerry's mom is lost. I miss her so much. We would call each other and talk for hours. We would sit up late into the night and talk. She would listen. She had wise words. Gerry is much like his grandfather. I wish his grandmother was still alive. I would like to talk to her and tell her how much like Josh he is. We could compare notes.

My daughter is growing up and away from me. It is the most difficult struggle I have had with her since she was four years old and wanting to pick out her own clothes. We can't find a good place. Losing my little girl, watching this young woman emerge.......  I miss my little girl.

My grandmother has been gone for years. We were so close. I loved her african violets. She was so proud of them. My mom told me today that Sybil would travel to her uncles farm where he raised rabbits and she would bring home the rabbit poop for her violets. She once went with my grandfather to Georgia and all she brought home was a bag of cow manure from his brothers farm for her flowers. I never heard this about her before. Now I know why I love dirt under my nails. My violets are thriving. I have cloned seven violet leaves, four are now tiny little plants. Sybil's blood courses through my veins. I miss her so much.

A friend told me this week he is becoming a woman. Do I lose one friend and gain another or will she be the same friend? I don't know yet. I worry for this persons future, what their life will be like in this world of judgement and hatred and bullying. I know this is a great person, man or woman, and they will still be my friend and I will help any way I can. But I will be sad to lose the male version....

As I was on the theme of loss, I wandered around with it a bit. Losing my 20/20 vision has sucked, although I am liking the contacts very much. Losing my strong thin body has sucked, but I'm mostly healthy and not overweight, just soft.....  My left arm aches all the time, it is very weak. My knees don't like to help me up so much when I squat down, I feel like I have to pry my hands apart in the mornings they are so stiff at the joints. I am getting shorter.

But damn, I like where I am right now. If I don't want to do something, I don't do it. I know things. I like learning new things. I like me. Not the body part so much, but the inside part is pretty much ok. I have my moments but mostly its all good. I still feel like I'm about 12 years old inside.

I just miss folks that have left my life and wish I could have one more day to talk with them, to laugh, to hear their stories. But I have lost them, gone forever. And that has weighed heavy on my heart today.....

6 comments:

oldgreymareprimitives said...

Aw sweetie, I know... The only consolation I have on days like this is to sit and wallow in memories and I talk to my departed loved ones.. I hope they hear me somehow. We carry the love in our hearts forever and I know they took my love with them.

Passages and Changes...and then arthritis for a topping..not easy. (my knees pop like kid's cereal)
But spring will come and so will more joys and more precious violets... <3

Michèle Hastings said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling low. I hope that it passes quickly. Sometimes a good cry can be helpful, at least for me it is.

littlemancat said...

Life's a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes we move along so smoothly, and then, sometimes the same things that we handled okay one day, feel so powerful the next.
When my son was finishing college, moving away, figuratively, anyway, I remember the detachment. It is rough when their plans become completely their own and you have that feeling of estrangement. Hang in, that will move in another direction - you have such a solid base with your daughter.
Take care,
Mary
PS - I still miss my favorite auntie who passed away at 98 five years ago. She and I were so close. But it's now a sweet memory.

handstories said...

Oh, Tracey, I'm so sorry. Your aunt sounds like my great Aunt Peggy, who I still miss dearly. Maybe it's the moon, because I was missing K's mom today, even though she made me nuts & I made her angry. I am only at the beginning of where you are with your girl, I'm so sad about what's to come. Love to you.

Tracey Broome said...

Hey y'all, thanks for the comments and support. I'm fine, its just one of those weeks. We all have them, don't we!?
xo

just jody said...

(((((((HUG)))))))