Thursday, November 5, 2015

Where did it go?

 Quick as a wink, October is gone. I hardly noticed it's leaving and now we are into November.
I spent most of October traveling, I went to the beach, then the mountains, then the beach again.
My first trip to the beach was for Mrs. Brunson's funeral. I was barely packed and got a call that another mom of childhood friends had died. She was best friends with Mrs. Brunson. They died the same day, same hospital. Funerals were on the same day, same preacher, same song, almost the same sermon, same people attending. One at 11am the other at 2pm.

What a was surreal, to say the least. I saw childhood friends that I had not seen since high school. It was odd seeing them, the expectations before the funeral caused much anxiety.

I literally laid in bed at my mom's house the night before the funerals and wondered what it would be like to get in my car, drive to the beach and walk into the ocean..... just keep walking...... of course I would never do it, I just thought about what it would be like. I was a hot mess, yes I was.

Attending two funerals in the same day was difficult. To add to the misery, it was the anniversary of my dad's passing, twenty two years ago. So many memories, ghosts from the past. All of that, dealing with my mom's head games, and missing Wesley had me in a near coma.  Seeing people you were friends with as a child, that you haven't seen since high school is so weird. They were sort of the same as they were as children, older, but not that much had changed. All I have to say about that is I'm glad I got our of Myrtle Beach. I faired better for it.

The funerals were beautiful. I have an odd fascination with funerals lately. I have attended so many here lately that I have started observing them from a state of detachment. The ones I have been to have not been ones where I am grief stricken and sad beyond reason. They were people I knew, but not loved ones taken from me too early. I am sad for the living left behind more than the one that has died. I watch them deal with the process of burying their loved one. The funerals I have been to have either been in a room at a funeral home or at a church. I like the church ones best. I like churches. There is a peace and a comfort there. A familiarity. The music, the shiny pews with comfy seats, the organ, the stained glass windows, the smell of the funeral flowers, the alter where the preacher performs. Ah yes, actors on a stage, all of them, those preachers. It's really an interesting process. I don't fear it as I used to.

After I got back from funeral week, I went to Asheville to help get the new store ready. Already posted about that so I'll move on :)

One of the songs at the funerals was called "All is Well With My Soul". Those words stayed in my head the whole weekend. I like that phrase. After Gerry and I went back to the beach, I did feel like all was well with my soul. The ocean has such power to heal a troubled mind. Always has for me. Gerry and I went back to the beach for his birthday. I sat in an empty movie theater on my birthday, we went to the beach for three days for his.... just sayin'.....  I just pretended I was still celebrating my birthday. I have done that in the past too. Works for me, somehow, haha.

I love North Carolina. I have lived in the Carolinas all my life and I still discover new places when we travel here. We stayed at Carolina Beach, which I have not been to since Wesley was in kindergarten and we went on a school field trip. Its a great beach, the streets and beach are lined with  small cottages and shops instead of high rise hotels and amusements. Its very charming and nice in the fall and winter when the tourists stay inland.

We had great seafood in quaint restaurants on the waterfront, walked on a cloudy beach, warm with a misty rain from time to time. We explored Fort Fisher, which was a sad battlefield during the Civil War, so many died and suffered at this place, you could feel the ghosts. The south lost......

I still look like I am heavy with sadness in photos I see of myself. Gotta do something about that...

We walked around on the boardwalk and took a bunch of instagrams. It was absurd really, if someone were watching us they would have seen two people spending way too much time looking at their iPhones instead of each other. We are a nation obsessed with those little objects.... but we did get some fun photos for memories later. Gerry has seen most of his life go by, looking at it all through the lens of a camera. It is what it is, I suppose.

This was a restaurant called Fishy Fish. The food was great, we sat outside and watched the rain and the boats come into the harbor.

Mind and body relaxing more and more as the sea air and the misty rain healed our souls. Gerry has been sad too, his little girl gone. That has been painful to witness as well.

And then there is the pain of two months without Wesley in our life. She seldom calls, no letters, no emails, and texts briefly when she has time and/or she has a problem.  For someone that claims to be a writer, she sure doesn't write much!  She has left a big empty space that nothing can fill. Some days are better than others. But there are days when I feel I have no purpose at all. Other days, I go to work and laugh with my coworkers and have fun with them. For Halloween, instead of being with my daughter, I dressed up with my friends at work and made this best of it. Gerry had to shoot a football game. I was bummed out, we always had so much fun on Halloween, I didn't even decorate the house or carve a pumpkin. First time in over twenty years.

Gerry and I go and do fun things together.  I'm at work more and more. I'm packing to move. But still, being a mom is so all consuming, when you stop being one every day, its an emptiness like nothing else. I have to force myself to be happy for her. And I am happy for her, truly. I love that she got brave and moved to California, she is in a beautiful place and has had a great adventure. It just sucks for me :(

At work, I have been asked to be in charge of Christmas merchandising. I reached way back in my brain and started preparing google docx filled with plans and schedules and target customers and dates for promotion. It feels good to be using tools I learned so long ago, and we will have a great Christmas selling season at the store. I cut some tree saplings yesterday in our woods that we will use to hang glass terrariums, tied with pretty ribbon and filled with moss and things found outside. The theme I have planned is a nature inspired Christmas. I haven't bought a lot of decoration, we will use things we find in nature, pine cones, grapevine, berries, twigs, moss, rosemary. It will be pretty. This is my wheelhouse. I got this!

I feel like I have crawled inside myself. I don't see many of my friends these days. Too much going on for a nice lunch or a coffee, or a gallery visit. I used to have more time in my day.
Where did those hours go.....


littlemancat said...

There is a sadness in your face, Tracey. It is hard not having your dear child near-by and so busy with her new adventure. I think a lot of us understand this deeply. It does get so much better, just keep doing what you're doing. The photos are amazing - really beautiful.
Thinking of you, sending good wishes to you and Gerry,

Vicki said...

Heavy, sad words.
The Universe is indeed wise. Time is needed to heal - physically and emotionally.
While this happens, the Universe waits. For the right time. A time which can't been "seen" yet.

I am a believer in these cycles. And we need to move through these periods. Through to the other side, when things do get better.
I believe there is a wonderful little property, waiting for you and Gerry... and your animals to be.

But this time, right now, is necessary.
Heal and prepare.

Hugs xx

Lori Buff said...

You’re life is full of so much change, transition and sadness right now. I hope it gets brighter and that you can feel as vibrant as some of the colors in your photos here. I’m glad you have this community to write to when you’re feeling depressed, not everyone has that.

Sandy miller said...

Ha! The void when the kid is so far away and I drop to the bottom of the pile...... Well here is some good news, they seem to come back around, just not in my time but their time. When the boyfriend goes off on a jaunt and school calms I get a call. On the plus side, the last ten years I got to get my life a bit on track and remember that guy I married so many years ago. So bummed comes and goes, just like the ocean..... Ebb and flow. Good thoughts! New paths, new changes and bit of time to breath and dig your toes in the earth. 😘

Michèle Hastings said...

the beach is a great place to escape to when you are surrounded by sadness. the photographs are wonderful. take care of yourself.

Tracey Broome said...

You guys are so wise and so great, thank you for your posts!!!!! very comforting words for these days :)

Anna M. Branner said...

We spent a night in Chapel Hill (was it just last week?) and drove through Carrboro. I thought to find your store to see if you were working but time was short. You may not have even been there....

I don't know the empty nest but I do understand that underlying sadness. I'm still recovering from losing my Dad last year...and we lost my constant companion Layla a month ago and it brings so much emotion back up again.

Hang in there! You are in the middle of a new adventure with more good stuff on the horizon...

Tracey Broome said...

Dang! Wish you could have stopped by! Twenty two years since my dad passed, and I still think of him everyday. It's hard....

Dennis Allen said...

Sometimes life is just left foot, right foot, repeat. The pendulum swings and it gets better.

Tracey Broome said...

Ain't that the damn truth! Trudging along here, but there are rainbows ahead, I can see them!