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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Quicksand



 When I was a kid, my dad worked here at this furniture plant in Red Hill,SC. I drove over to it today on my way to the beach. It is one of the few places down here where I have incredible childhood memories. I would play on these railroad tracks while he loaded boxcars out of those side doors. Inside those doors were storerooms filled with stacks and stacks of flat cardboard boxes used for shipping sofas and chairs. Beside those cardboard stacks, were stacks and stacks of foam for the cushions. I would climb and jump on these stacks for hours. Then move on to the sewing room where I would collect piles of upholstery fabrics, then to the frame shop where I would collect blocks of scrap wood, and all of it came home with me for designing new rooms for Barbie and her townhouse, she lived in luxury while I was designing for her! I came over here a lot and I can smell the paint lacquers and fabrics and foam and sawdust even now as I type this. 

How deeply our childhoods embed in our souls, mold us and shape us and influence our lives......




Most people come to Myrtle Beach for, well, the beach..... I never get that pleasure. I mostly come here out of obligation, or guilt, or trying to be a reasonably adequate daughter. I am here now because my mom is eating only toast with Sprite, got dehydrated, got sick, and is now in a nursing home. I do love her spirit though. I told her that tomorrow I was going to take her to the community room for the arts and crafts and she said she wasn't going to go because there would be a bunch of old people there. Apparently, for her, 83 isn't old.... Haha!

I am walking in quicksand, trying to breathe, there doesn't seem to be enough air to fill my lungs. I stare into space a lot, I want to sleep, it doesn't come. A pity party was imminent on the way down here, country music on the radio can bring that on in a minute. Then the news came on and there was discussion about people being killed in Bosnia for their parts, parts being harvested and sold, and then my little pity party lost all point of reference and the world seemed like a really messed up place. 

I had plans this week for pottery and soap and time for myself. There is no such thing......... I'm here with a book in another nursing home with another sick parent.....

15 comments:

Vicki said...

Wish I had the right words to console, Tracey. I know that heavy heart, and swirl of muddy quicksand.
Hugs xx

oldgreymareprimitives said...

oh darlin I wish we could sit on a swing and sip some wine and commiserate...the world is sad and awful right now and seeing that sign threw me back to the years my folks lived in Myrtle and they were both in ICU's in hospitals 100 miles apart with Dad in Charleston and her there..and suddenly the memories were all there flooding back.
Our lives, our stories, our journey...

Keep your head down and ride the wave till you are safely back on land

cookingwithgas said...

Breathe my friend, breathe. I wish a light heart for you?

Dennis Allen said...

Most of us who are a bit older than you have been through this.For me the worst part was the helpless feeling that there was nothing more I could do.Do what you can do and don't feel guilty about the rest.Try real hard to keep your glass half full.

littlemancat said...

Like Dennis, I'm older than you and have been through witnessing the decline of loved ones.It is hard, very hard. Just do the best you can and take it day by day. The weird thing is that in those dark hours you see yourself as the aging parent of the future. I realize now, a few years later, that there were some simple loving things that I could have done better, but I was working full time and patience was sometimes lacking. Hard to balance these things.
Hang in there,
Hugs from Mary

Tracey Broome said...

You guys are the best! Thank you so much for your kind support, it means more than you know! Sitting in a swing sipping wine sounds pretty damn good, doesn't it!?

Michèle Hastings said...

It just amazes me how quickly things can change with our aging parents. My heart goes out to you. I think Dennis has the best advice for all of us going through this. I hope your Mom gains strength quickly and is able to return home soon.

Lori Buff said...

I'm so sorry about your mom and hope she recovers quickly. It sounds like she's got the right spirit to do just that. Be present for her and for you, time here is fleeting.

Tracey Broome said...

Thanks Michele and Lori!
Michele, I know you just went through a rough patch with your folks, it's never easy is it?

Anna M. Branner said...

I lost my Dad to lung cancer in May. My mom is amazingly strong. Thank goodness Dad had decided it was time for them to move to a "continuing care" facility before he even knew he was sick. The whole nightmare could have been so much worse. My brothers and I watch my Mom and take our cues from her. All you can do is be there...and breath.

Tracey Broome said...

Anna I lost my dad to lung cancer six weeks after Wesley was born. It is a terrible thing to go through. My mom wasn't so good with it, 15 years of depression....... She missed all of Wesley's childhood feeling sorry for herself. Ugh, it's never easy is it?!

Trish said...

Hugs to you and your family, Tracey.. The last few months have not been the best for all of you.. I cannot add any further words of wisdom more than the ones you have already received here. Getting your Mom's drugs sorted out should be a big help..way too many, I'm guessing. One step at a time. T

Tracey Broome said...

Thanks so much, Trish! You all are great friends out there in blog land!

handstories said...

Oh, family. Hi, Tracey. I know we share some similar feelings about our moms. Same goes for K's mom, who is also 83 & not doing well. We're on our way down to see what we can do for her tomorrow. Thinking of you, of us, & how glad to know we have better connections with our kids. xo

Tracey Broome said...

Hi Cindy: I'm just trying to keep my Karma on the right track! Lots of meditation and yoga before I go to the nursing home:) so far it's working! Today I painted her nails red, it was funny.
Good luck to you. xo