Saturday, October 3, 2015

I didn't want to change

 Things change. People change.
That's what they say......

Well I didn't want to change. I didn't want this hole in my heart, this eternal empty space that a mother gets after her child leaves home. This nothingness. It just fucking sucks, and I don't like it.

I turned 55 September 23rd. I didn't really want to be this old either, but I am, so bleh. It was a nice day. Quiet..... Gerry and I did dinner and a movie. It was fun. He took me to get a new iPhone so my photos will be a bit better now.

Every year since I turned 40 I will say "well, I'm at the halfway point in my life now." Ha, now I am planning to live to 110? Guess I have to stop saying that on my birthday now, more than half over.....

The photo I am standing in front of is at our favorite Chapel Hill bar. Its a picture of what Franklin St. looks like when the Tarheels win a basketball championship. Gerry has shot a few of these. Mayhem.

I love this photo Gerry shot at the theater before the movie. We were the only two there. An empty theater on my birthday. It might look a bit bleak, but those who know me will know that this is heaven for me. A theater without other people. I hate being in a movie with other people. They all get on my last nerve and distract me. This was great!

This was sort of bleak, but I had to just laugh. I went down to see my mom at the beach for a few days, obligatory visit and all that. Now that Wesley is gone, I understand more the pain I'm sure my mom felt when I left, and I am trying..... really I am. But they went and got me a birthday cake at Sam's Club.  I texted Wesley a picture of it and she said "they spelled your name wrong".
Yep. They did.  For crying out loud......

 The for my birthday. That's fine.... whatever. I bought some new chairs at an antique store for my dining room farm table. I will enjoy them. I am grateful.

My mates at work give me something to do with my mothering instinct these days.   J,  (Jeanette) (Jason) is wearing dresses only,  as he/she transitions from male to female. I watch her struggles, her joys, her tears, her frustrations, she confides in me. I listen, I don't judge.  I have never known a transgender person before, I've had many gay friends, but this is a whole other world, where only the brave and determined can go.  Ethan confides in me as well. Both look for advise/ support regarding things that only a mother would understand and I feel humbled that they trust me with these things. It fills a very empty space for me now and I appreciate their trust in me.  I try to honor that trust and think carefully about what I say. Today, they helped me set up my first hydroponic grow at the store. I am growing Tom Thumb lettuces which will be a small head of lettuce the size of an apple. My plan is to harvest them, make an insane bleu cheese dressing with toasted walnuts and have lunch for everyone at the store. I think that will be really fun.

There has been no art making in quite a while, but much learning. Hydroponic gardening is a beast to understand and I am just now comfortable trying to sell it at the store. Next week will be one year at this job and I learn something new every day that I work. I'm starting to write a little bit for our blog. If you care to check it out it's here:
I have been asked to help set up our very large new store in Asheville, NC, which I am very excited about, getting back to my career roots. Baby steps, but hopefully this will lead to even more fun stuff. Full circle.

Lettuces are looking good. At least I have some tiny sprouts to nurture. That's about it these days...... Wesley is doing it on her own. I know I should be happy, but really..... I'm not...... I'm not even trying to feel any better about all this, just gonna wallow in it for awhile  :)   bleh.


oldgreymareprimitives said...

Bet my posts from 6 years ago make more sense to you now ..and you even have Gerry! lol

It never goes away but it does get easier, really it does.
How is your girl doing? The kids are here and last night Ben was talking about his search for a girlfriend that isn't complicated ..etc and I said well a friend's daughter moved to CA recently and she seems darling but she is up north and does film but has a boyfriend... he says..keep me posted lol

Tracey Broome said...

HAHA! Suzan, I do think of that post often and really do understand what you went through. I remember reading it and at the time thinking, oh dear, I have that to go through very soon, and now here it is!
She is well, having a big new adventure. But your Ben would be out of luck with her, Im afraid, she IS complicated haha!
It's hard......

Dennis Allen said...

Thanks for the update. They say the only thing that stays the same is that things always change.

Tracey Broome said...

Ain't that a fact, Dennis! Some change is good, but this transition when a kid leaves home is not my favorite ha!

cookingwithgas said...

Oh, Lord child, at least she bought you a cake. To her that is love, look I remembered, even if I forgot how to spell your name.
I had to forgive my dear, sweet, lovely, mother many years ago.
My birthday was at Christmas....card, sometimes, call, rarely, but she was my mom.
Child gone, sucks.
I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

hey, TracEy, gosh I think of you often as I slog along a few years behind you in letting go of our babies. Most days I just want to scream, "I LOVE YOU, DON'T EVER LEAVE ME!" How can this be happening? It's a very cruel plan, I think. Or I'm doing it very wrong. & the mother thing….I have learned to understand, haven't quite got to the forgiveness, yet. love to you & a big hug.

Tracey Broome said...

She was proud of that cake, might be the first one she ever got me. Our neighbor used to bake them for me when I was a kid.... oh moms. LUNCH- YES!

Cindy: the trick is to absolutely let them go and just deal with the pain. The pain of suffocating a child is much worse for them and in the long run the parent too. I'm at acceptance, forgiveness was never an issue for me, it was more just wanting it all to be different and now knowing it never will be.....

Vicki said...

Sigh. I hear ya.
There seems to be that small window in time where everything is perfect. Years later, we look back through to that window and yearn. I know I do.
Wonderful times, gone in an instant. Never to return.
The lot of a mother.
I now obsess with my art to keep me sane... ish, lol.

Don't force it. Wallow. Then, heal.
There's a new life for you, and Gerry, coming. Enjoy these times together in good health and love.

Tracey Broome said...

Thanks Vicki, time does move past so quickly doesn't it!?

oldgreymareprimitives said...

Kids just left for CA, well two of them, the boyfriend is here overnight for early am flight to NYC for a month..and all these years later, I still cry each time they leave. EACH AND EVERY TIME and I feel lost and empty for a couple days until my routine resets.

and I did this to my folks and made them suffer for 50 years..
sniff sniff

Laurie said...

Happy belated birthday! I have been in that UNC throng... '83, I think? It was kinda scary. Love the peek you showed of your chairs. Sounds like a lovely birthday treasure.

Tracey Broome said...

Hey Z: Damn that California anyway! What's so great about that place, haha! Karma is coming back to me, When I was 18,
I packed up all my stuff and moved out while my mom was at work. I just casually called her and said I was gone. Boy did I suck!

Laurie, thanks for the birthday wishes. The first year we lived here Wesley and I went down to celebrate an NCAA win. You are so right, it was very scary!

Lori Buff said...

Happy belated birthday.

Tracey Broome said...

Thanks Lori!

Shannon said...

hey--congrats on the Asheville gig!! we talked about that. good for you. I'm sorry about your missing piece. xo

zarena cantik said...

perfect perfect fried rice, good post for the beginners as well..Super Prema, loved the presentation very much
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