That's what they say......
Well I didn't want to change. I didn't want this hole in my heart, this eternal empty space that a mother gets after her child leaves home. This nothingness. It just fucking sucks, and I don't like it.
I turned 55 September 23rd. I didn't really want to be this old either, but I am, so bleh. It was a nice day. Quiet..... Gerry and I did dinner and a movie. It was fun. He took me to get a new iPhone so my photos will be a bit better now.
Every year since I turned 40 I will say "well, I'm at the halfway point in my life now." Ha, now I am planning to live to 110? Guess I have to stop saying that on my birthday now, more than half over.....
The photo I am standing in front of is at our favorite Chapel Hill bar. Its a picture of what Franklin St. looks like when the Tarheels win a basketball championship. Gerry has shot a few of these. Mayhem.
I love this photo Gerry shot at the theater before the movie. We were the only two there. An empty theater on my birthday. It might look a bit bleak, but those who know me will know that this is heaven for me. A theater without other people. I hate being in a movie with other people. They all get on my last nerve and distract me. This was great!
This was sort of bleak, but I had to just laugh. I went down to see my mom at the beach for a few days, obligatory visit and all that. Now that Wesley is gone, I understand more the pain I'm sure my mom felt when I left, and I am trying..... really I am. But they went and got me a birthday cake at Sam's Club. I texted Wesley a picture of it and she said "they spelled your name wrong".
Yep. They did. For crying out loud......
The usual....money for my birthday. That's fine.... whatever. I bought some new chairs at an antique store for my dining room farm table. I will enjoy them. I am grateful.
My mates at work give me something to do with my mothering instinct these days. J, (Jeanette) (Jason) is wearing dresses only, as he/she transitions from male to female. I watch her struggles, her joys, her tears, her frustrations, she confides in me. I listen, I don't judge. I have never known a transgender person before, I've had many gay friends, but this is a whole other world, where only the brave and determined can go. Ethan confides in me as well. Both look for advise/ support regarding things that only a mother would understand and I feel humbled that they trust me with these things. It fills a very empty space for me now and I appreciate their trust in me. I try to honor that trust and think carefully about what I say. Today, they helped me set up my first hydroponic grow at the store. I am growing Tom Thumb lettuces which will be a small head of lettuce the size of an apple. My plan is to harvest them, make an insane bleu cheese dressing with toasted walnuts and have lunch for everyone at the store. I think that will be really fun.
There has been no art making in quite a while, but much learning. Hydroponic gardening is a beast to understand and I am just now comfortable trying to sell it at the store. Next week will be one year at this job and I learn something new every day that I work. I'm starting to write a little bit for our blog. If you care to check it out it's here: www.fifthseasongardening.com
I have been asked to help set up our very large new store in Asheville, NC, which I am very excited about, getting back to my career roots. Baby steps, but hopefully this will lead to even more fun stuff. Full circle.
Lettuces are looking good. At least I have some tiny sprouts to nurture. That's about it these days...... Wesley is doing it on her own. I know I should be happy, but really..... I'm not...... I'm not even trying to feel any better about all this, just gonna wallow in it for awhile :) bleh.